Here’s a saucy question to get yourself thinking: What if being nice isn’t actually that nice? First, let me tell you, I’m a “nice” person and I work with a lot of “nice” people. We’re good people. We want to do good in the world, help others, make this a more beautiful place, all while having this desire to be liked by everyone. That last part is when we get in our own way. That is when nice stops being nice. This is where we will start our journey together today.  Being nice can be the very thing that is holding you back from your truest potential, and holding back others from theirs as well. 

Here are three ways that being nice can be, well, not that nice and some journal questions to help you step out of nice-girl energy and into the fully-expressed bold you God made you to be. 

3 Ways that Being Nice Really Isn’t That Nice

You Hold Back Your Own Gifts 
When you have the desire to be liked and to belong, then being different than the rest or speaking up in a way that you haven’t before can make you feel at risk of standing out and create possibly of having people not like you. And as a person who loves to be liked, this can feel like one of the scariest things in the world. 

What you’re really doing is you’re holding back your genius, expertise, vision, wisdom and innovate thinking skills to either help a person, improve a situation, or stand up for what is right. When you hold this back you could potentially holding back your job or your own business from helping more people. And my guess is, if you’re a nice person you’re also in the business of helping whether that be in your business or in your corporate job. So, this essentially is sabotaging the very values that you stand for, all for the sake of belonging to a crowd, feeling included and being liked. When you think of  it that way… well… ouch, right? Not nice at all. 

You’re Actually Kinda Pissed Off on The Inside
Nice people can be really good at performing.  We put a smile on our face and go with the flow for the sake of remaining likealbe and “not rocking the boat.” While you’re hard at work appearing to be nice, on the inside you may be stoming around and throwing a fit. What’s happening inside the you really isn’t nice at all.  You’re starting to get resentful, annoyed, frustrated, impatient and likely even extremely judgmental of the very people you are being “nice” to. 

But again, you just want to be liked so you remain quiet and boundaryless. You don’t teach people how to treat you and instead keep going with it, until you can’t anymore. 

This is where something I’ve called the Tolerance Scales come in. At first you can tolerate things like sitting in meetings where no decisions are ever made, talking in circles, offering feedback and having it not be heard, aksing your spouse to help with something and having no follow through.  And then ever so slowly, the scales start to tip.  Those meetings you didn't mind are now becoming the very thing you despise. And that leads us back to problem number one… you hold back your gifts. So at these meetings you either check out or you start thinking unkind thoughts about others in the room rather than using your brain for good and helping the greater cause. Or with your partner, instead of simply sharing why you’re frustrated you just let that list grow and grow in your head while you stomp about the house making sure they can hear every cupboard door you’ve closed. 

Again… sooo not nice. 

Your niceness is costing your job or your business time and money. 
I coached a gal who was continuing to feel ongoing resentment and frustration in her workplace. The inefficiencies and lack of awareness were driving her crazy, but she had reservations on speaking out abou them. When I began to poke around the situation a little more and get deeper into it with her, she had this realization: “I don’t want to make a bunch of old men feel dumb.” 

And let me tell you, this coaching client of mine is a smart, high achieving owman. That’s the thing with the people I work with, especially the nice ones. They are smart, efficient, talented, high achieving, innovative people. But yet, they also don’t want to appear to be too bold out of fear that is may come across as demanding, bitchy, or too much for those around them. Again, all pointing back to the desire to be liked. 

But by this particular client keeping quiet about inefficiencies in the work place, she was potentially holding them back not only from big profits, but also valuable time and even bigger than that, quality employee retention. 

As we flip the narrative of “I’m just a nice person” you can see how your niceness can be the very thing that is getting in the way of you playing big in this life where you know you’re meant to do, be and spread more good. 

The truth is that you can be kind and speak up. In fact, being direct is the kindest thing that anyone could do.  Could you truly imagine a world where we, especially as “nice people,” actually meant the words that we said? Imagine a world where we didn’t have 18 lays of hidden agendas, assumptions or unclear expectations behind the words we spoke out. 

If you’re a nice person who is tired of tolerating the price of being nice-all-the-time grab a pen and paper to journal out you answers to these questions:

1. What are your values? What matters most ot you in your work, in your life, in your relationships? 
2. What are you good at? What are you gifted in? What do you just know- a topic that is like second nature to you? What are you wise about? 
3. What are the benefits you are getting from you are getting from being nice? 
4. What would it cost you if you were to speak up? 
5. What would be the rewards of speaking up? 

What if being nice didn’t also have to hold you back from being you, bold, fully expressed and empowered. You can be all the things you want to be… smart, wise, fun, vocal, creative, powerful AND be kind, liked and loved.


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​
To take a deeper dive, listen to the latest podcast episode on this topic: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kelly-mcintee/episodes/7--What-if-being-nice-isnt-always-nice-e21mspg 

Here are three lessons I learned from doing something I did so often-- crying about my job to my husband. 


1. Whining & doubting yourself isn’t cute. 
Listen, I get it. I get how it feels to dislike your current circumstances — your job. I get what it feels like to cry when you’re getting ready for work mustering up the will to show up another week once again. I get how it feels to have your ideas feel like they’re constantly shot down, and your concerns not being addressed. And I get how it feels to simply need encouragement from your partner when you don’t feel like going anymore. 
But eventually, the tears need to stop. They stop being cute. Their cue for sympathy stops working. They’re a starting point; they aren’t the solution. Eventually, the tears need to turn into you making a change, whether that’s changing your thoughts or changing your circumstance. 
When it came to whining and doubting, I often did one or the other.  Whining about the job that I so badly wanted to leave, and yet also when I had my solution right there in my hands — my coaching business — all I did was doubt that too. Doubting yourself, and then whining about doubting yourself is not cute. This is something I did all the time. 
So there my husband sat, either being a shoulder for me to be miserable on or cheering me up to go all in on my business. He was in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t type of situation and I was the one putting him there. There wasn’t ever just the right thing he could say to make it all better.  
That my friend is not cute. Eventually, the tears need to stop. Eventually, you need to stop being the victim of your circumstances and take charge and change things. Living a life from the space of things happening to you is unattractive. And that’s what I did for such a long time.
Instead, what is cute is saying enough is enough and taking one step at a time to change things. Perhaps it’s creating a LinkedIn account, updating your resume, or getting out a journal and getting clear with yourself on where you want to go, and what you want to do.  Cute is taking care of yourself and creating what you want and no longer waiting for someone to make it all better for you. 

2. You have to have your own back
At some point, my husband got sick of giving me what I wanted— a you-can-do-it speech — and he gave me what I didn’t know I needed. Tough love.  I remember the conversation vividly. Another day, another round of Kelly whining about the job yet doubting she could make this dream job —coaching— work.  
“Are you sure?” is a question I kept asking him.  “Are you sure I can do this? Are you sure I can make this work?” He was good at answering the questions the way I wanted him to. Then one day he stopped.  Instead, he answered the question the way I needed it to be answered. “Yes, I’m sure. We aren’t having this conversation again until you give your notice. I’m not doing this anymore. Either you do this thing and make what you want happen, or we stop talking about it completely.”
Yikes, right? Way to put the tough in tough love. But in all seriousness, that is exactly what I need to hear at that moment. That answer pointed out two obvious things  to me that I had been missing:

1. When he says he believes in me he means it… he’s not just saying it. 
2. His belief in me isn’t what will help me take action on my dreams. Only my own belief in myself will.

So, I went to work on having my own back. I worked with a coach to help me uncover so much that I wasn’t allowing to be expressed, acknowledged, and appreciated. Did I still outsource my confidence by asking for support from others? Of course… habits are hard to break. But I stopped letting their support mean anything more than what it was —  their support. What I needed most was the trust and faith from deep within that I could step away from what I didn’t want, and go all in on what I did.

3. I was putting too much on one person
Our partners can certainly be a person we talk to for literally everything in life, and they don’t have to be the only ones that we share things with. They don’t have to be the problem solvers of every little thing going on.  When you put all that on one person, it can be a lot for them to bear. Yes, likely our partner is our best friend (or at least one of your best friends), but they aren’t your therapist. They have things going on that they could use some listening to as well.  While our partners only want the best for us, they may not always be the best person to talk about these things with.  

When I allowed myself to work with a coach and had a neutral space where I could have my thoughts and feelings heard, it changed my life. I started seeing how I was getting in my way and was also finally able to see my strengths, gifts, and abilities. She saw me. She heard me. And she reflected exactly what I needed to do the big, scary thing — leave my job. And the funny thing is that when I began allowing myself this space of growth, leaving my job wasn’t scary at all, it was simply the next inevitable right step.

If you're tired of crying to your partner about the job you're no longer feeling fulfilled at, reach out. I'm the boss at helping people quit their jobs because I have been through it all when it came to leaving my own. And I can help you leave yours! Schedule a free Focus Forward Consult here. 
​

Recently, I was talking to a business friend of mine. 
 
While we were on the zoom call I was folding the huge ass pile of laundry that had accumulated over the week. I was also sweating and hot from the shower I just rushed through to get ready for the next thing on my calendar and then the next thing… and then the next thing. 
 
Several times during our conversation, I did that hand wave by your pits thing and say “whew! I'm so hot!” 
 
My side of the conversation touched on all the things I was doing that I didn't really want to be doing.  I definitely showed up as friend-Kelly rather than coach-Kelly (there's a difference y'all… Coach Kelly holds you up, questions the stories we tell ourself…. and friend-Kelly shoots the breeze with you and honestly has a whiney moment from time to time. What can I say? I'm human, too.)
 
During our conversation of just allowing myself to let my guard down she asked me this question which struck me to my core, and was probably the most permission-giving question I've been asked in a really long time.  It was this: 

​I literally had never allowed myself to think of that as an option. 
 
What if you just let yourself chill out for a day? 
What if you just took a breath right here in this moment? 
What if you just slowed the f down?
What if you just said no to the things you want to say no to?
What if you let white space take over your calendar a little bit? 
What if you let yourself BE OKAY with the down time your body needs? 
What if you didn't hit the gas so hard every damn day? 
What if you stopped freakin' worrying?
What if you trusted? 
 
Those are all of my questions that popped up from her lovingly blunt observation — "Kelly, just take a chill pill."
 
And here's the thing y'all…. whenever I'm experiencing something I know I'm not alone. In fact just last week I coached a client through the correlation of her fully-packed, demanding and exhausting schedule paired with a seven-pound weight gain. It's not coincidence these are happening at the same time for her. She too was experiencing what I am…. but her own way, and in her own version.
 
Want to know the craziest thing of all? 
 
During this month where I've been feeling WOUND UP TIGHT I also sat down last night and realized this… this month has been my highest revenue month in my business. In other words, I'm actually doing alright. I don't need to be so wound up. It's working… it's all working, and it's all okay.
 
And you are too….. you are OKAY right where you are right now.
 
That stuff you worry about and stress out about… you're actually doing alright. 
That thing that you think is a problem likely isn't. It maybe just needs a reframe. A new perspective does wonders for the soul.
 
So, today I'm getting real with and sharing my truth to say this-- you're not alone. 
 
And, help me feel not alone too.  Tell me…. what has been making you feel heavy, tight, full and just sort of tense lately? Reply. Share. Let it go, let it out, let yourself feel less alone. 

Want to talk it out? Desire coaching support around this and how you too can take a chill pill? Reach out to book a consult today. It's free and you WILL leave that call with the exact next right steps to take. 

​YOU ARE ALREADY THE SHIT! 
This week, that is what came up as a potential title for my future everything… my on-stage talk, my book, my podcast.... basically everything.  When people walk away from me, I want them to think this about themselves "I'm already this shit!"
 
You don't need to change yourself or become someone else. You've already got everything it takes deep down inside of you.  That gift, it's always been there. It's just that when you're so close to it… when you are yourself… it can be hard to see it. 
 
So today, I remind. If there is one thing I want people to walk away from a conversation from me knowing, it this: YOU ARE ALREADY THE SHIT.
 
Your ideas? The bomb.
Your vision? Limitless.
Your value? Immense.
Your truth? Spot on.
Your desires? Vital.
Your joy? Essential.
Your silliness? Life giving.
Your smile? Radiant.
Your butt? Hot.
Your heart? Genuine.
Your talents? Incomparable. 
Your gifts? Magical. 
 
Must I go on? I can if you want me to.  Email me,  tell me what's going on for you and I'll tell you alllll the ways YOU are the shit. 
 
Question for ya…..
 
How would you live your life today if you KNEW without a doubt YOU are the shit? 
What would you wear?
What would you say? 
What would you eat? 
What would you do? 
WHO WOULD YOU BE? 
 
Ready to step all the way in to who you are & embrace what could be possible for you when you do? If yes, let's connect! Book a FREE Consult Today! 

When we don’t own own wins, we can’t repeat them… and we certainly can’t amplify them. 
 
When we don’t own your wins, it becomes the equivalent of saying:
“Oh, I just got lucky.”
“Oh, it just sorta happened.”
“Oh it was a fluke.”
 
No, no & NO.  You created that.  How? 
 
Well, if you owned it, you could investigate, learn & know. 
 
Passing your wins off to fate or chance isn’t just a disservice to your future success, it robs all the people who could be impacted by you that experience. 
 
Recently I had a win that felt huge, but yet I had a hard time owning it.  I had my highest revenue month happen in one day in my business.  And, I wouldn't allow myself to own that, to celebrate it.  
 
Well, she's on a payment plan so it doesn't count… that was going to happen anyway.  
Well, her payment got delayed so it just happened to be made on the same day. 
 
See what I mean? In convincing myself that I literally had nothing to do with this day, I wasn't able to allowing myself to see the role I played in making this happen.  I wasn't examining the ways in which I can create that again.  I wasn't SEEING how it all matters, the connections, the conversations, the processes, the tools, the yes's to the intuitive hits.  I actually did create that day, and I can create it again, and again, and again when I allow myself to see how I was instrumental in making it happen: 

• I served her as a client, strongly, deeply… she renewed, and so did she. 
• I designed with my heart and shared vulnerably about what design means to me… she reached out. 
• I showed her what I can do to help her in her life… she said yes. 
• I sought out support for my own self to learn how to love deeper in my life… they saw that change happen within me, and wanted that too. 
• I leaned into many resistances recently that have created profound lessons, some of which I've shared with my clients… leaning into the uncomfortable works.

As a result of this particular day in my business I'm seeing: 

• An artist be so much more giddy, light and playful in her business
• A coach experiencing breakthrough after breakthrough and is finally allowing herself to be seen
• A healer create profound programs that help elevate others energy

If I don't own the wins I experience and leave them up to fate, then there is so much more being left to fate.  I'm no longer willing to risk that.  I know that all the souls I get to work with are so capable of achieving what they want with or without me- but when we do it together it's accelerated, amplified and waaaay more fun. 
 
The same is true for you and your wins.  Not just your wins, but your gifts.  Sure, the world would be fine and remain status quo if you don't own them… we'll go on as-is not knowing the difference… but man, imagine if you did own them.  Imagine the ripple that could create. Imagine the fellow soul you could help ignite.. and then imagine what they could do.  See what I'm saying? 
 
OWN IT. 
 
In a world of oh it’s selfish to gloat, to brag, to talk about the good I do we aren’t doing anyone any good. What if being selfish and owning the shit out of your wins was truly the most selfless thing you could be doing?
 
Our wins create a ripple effect beyond our knowing. Own them & create more of them… let your ripple effect create waves.

Hey, you. 
I want you to feel so much when you read this message. I want you to feel a bold sense of calm. I want you to feel strong and empowered. I want you to be so ignited that you shut the screen down and go forth with the decision you’ve been working through. I want you to know that you know exactly what is right.
I want to remind you of your own strength and intuition.  I want you to see you as the resilient being you are. I want you to know that you can do hard things, and that the hardest things in life sometimes create the most light and clarity. 
So….
To the woman doubting yourself, I see you.
To the woman who is finally realizing “I DO have what it takes,” I see you.
To the woman tired of being told what to do, I see you.
To the woman who is denying herself the true answer of “what do you want?” I see you.
To the woman who has no clue of the ripple effect of sharing her gifts with the world, I see you and I HONOR you. 


What if we all got a little braver?
What if we all got a little bit more comfortable with the unknown?
What if we started to realize the black of the unknown leads to the brightest light? 


What if?
Honestly, what if? 


Today I challenge you to play the game of “what if” but not the way you’ve been playing it before. No more asking “what if I fail? What if they think I’m dumb? What if they think I’m too much?” No more playing the game that way. We all lose when we play the game that way. 
What if (see what I did there?) we played the game a little differently? 
What if we played the “what if question” where we veer down the path of success and possibility? 
A new version of "what if"
What if I succeed?
What if it actually is possible?
What if I already have what it takes?
What if I shared my truth?
What if I could handle the waves that my truth makes?
What if I was so good at making decisions?
What if I could have everything that I want?
What if I already know exactly what I want?
What if I allowed myself to dream? 


Do you feel the difference between the two “what if” games? There’s clearly a version where no one wins, and there’s a version where everyone wins. 


The cool thing about it is that YOU get to choose the version you play. Every single day you get to decide what version of the “what if” game you play. 
Today on International Women’s Day I hope you feel the energy in this message. The truth being shared to you from my bones. I hope you allow yourself a moment to let your value sink all the way in, to see your worth is beyond measure and that playing the winning version of "what if" is the ONLY way to go.  
Knowing your value is a big deal. Knowing your worth doesn’t actually hinge on so much that we tend to think it does is liberating. 
 You are a force. A force to be reckoned with.
You are a wild woman with all the gifts that need to be shared.
You are YOU and that is magic… absolute, blissful, freakin’ magic. 


Share this message loud and proud. Share it with the world. Share it with your sisters, whether they’re your family-sisters, friend-sister or soul sisters. 
 May my possibility-mind be so contagious with the world that it inspires at least one woman to fully pounce feet first into her power. 
Let’s do this. 

Encounter #1
Earlier this week I was on a call with a handful of women.   It was a scheduled call as a part of a membership community I’m in. 

In the beginning of the call, the eight or so of us in attendance were just chatting and connecting.  One woman is only 1,000 km from Ukraine, the battle field so many of us are distanced from yet very emotionally impacted by.  

To hear her voice shook me.  Not that long ago, she had vibrancy and joy in her voice, and in this call it was very somber. It was hard to understand her as the connection was choppy.  That also spoke volumes to me. 

She said “we are safe physically, but emotionally disturbed.” 

And yet here she was on this call.  Here she was taking a break from her reality to learn about something not at all related to her current situation, and to connect with other women.  It was a break, a reprieve from the hardships she is experiencing.  

Encounter #2
Also, earlier this week I spoke with a woman who lost a dear friend and business support.  They were each other's “go to” for questions and celebrations.  They were a connection to one another in this often lonely world of entrepreneurship.  

This person, with a huge gift to share with the world, was hurting & in tears on our call.  She was lost.  She  wasn’t feeling the will to keep going in her work.  She simply just didn’t want to.  But yet, she does want to keep going so badly, and that’s where the tears came from.


"How??" was her question.


She has a  want to keep going, yet there is a  lack of knowing what to do next or how to handle this grief being experienced.  She does want to keep her business going, not just for her but also for the legacy of her friend.  But sometimes feeling lost can get confused as a lack of desire to keep going. 

In connecting with her I was flooded with memories of the pain and the lost feeling I felt when my dad passed.  There was a huge lack of desire to do anything at all.  I flashed back to the days when all I could do was stare out the window and just be in a daze.  “How is the world still going on when my world has stopped?” And yet, it still keeps going, it keeps spinning ‘round and ‘round.

Eventually I found my way again.  Eventually I found my drive.  Eventually, I WANTED to be me again.  

 Encounter #3: 
Another conversation I had this week was with a fellow coach, and was entirely different from the other two shared above. She showed up vibrant, excited and with vigor to move forward.   She’s a bold and powerful force.


We met for an exciting rebrand and it was a high energy, soul-nourishing conversation of possibility, hope and love for what we both do. Our conversation was all about the future- vibrancy, abundance, joy, desire, FUN, life. It was a light in my day and yet there’s still so much depth within this special encounter. 

All three of these conversations had a common theme running through them.  That theme was resiliency. 
Resiliency doesn’t always mean that you’re beaten up, tattered and worn down.  Resiliency is showing up as YOU, as-is.  Resiliency is knowing that sometimes the world is just a dark gray place yet there is so much brightness and color to be shared.  

I share these three recent encounters in my week to say all this:

1. Keep doing your thing - It matters.  It helps people. While what you’re doing matters deeply to you, it can slo be a much welcomed light break and a slice of joy for someone else. 
2. It doesn’t have to be so serious, that thing you do. Loosen up a little bit.  What you’re doing matters a great deal.  And, yet, it totally doesn’t. The weight of the world isn’t depending on you sharing your gift.  No one is looking at you thinking “wtf is she doing?”
3. It’s so serious - I know in the statement above, I just said it’s not that serious.  Yet, it is.  Doing what you love is serious business.  While the weight of the world isn’t depending on you sharing your gifts you CAN lighten the weight of one person’s world by sharing your gift.  That matters… that matters a great deal. 
4. Light begets light.  When you do what you love and what lights you up, the world feels that light and it creates more light for others.  You going all in on your gifts is another person’s permission slip to start dabbling with their own.  That thing you do so easily could be the scariest thing that another person is doing for themselves in the day.  themselves. 
5. Bravery begets bravery.  You being you and doing your thing creates an opportunity for someone else to bravely do the same. You being you creates an opportunity for someone else to be brave. ​
6. You are so much stronger than you realize.  You can do hard things, you can face hard times, you can nurture yourself through them and fully rest the way you need to, and then one day you’ll start to get back up.  You’ll start to peel back the covers, you’ll hop in the shower, you’ll put your favorite pants on again, and little by little your strength will pull you through. 

This isn’t the time to sit back and hope for happier times to put your dreams into action.  This isn’t the time to think that what you do doesn’t matter or to think “who am I to share this with the world?” 

No.  

This is the time to double down and to go all in.  This is the time that the world needs your light and your gifts more than it ever has.  Imagine a world if more people went all in on what they really wanted to do, and showed up fully unapologetic as themselves with all their magnificent gifts on display.  It would literally be the best thing ever.  

Today I dare you, I challenge you.  Take a step forward.  Do the next right thing to bring your dreams into reality.  Why wait? Why not now? The world needs your light and vibrancy.

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Do you want help and support in doing this? Book a consult today! I'm all about going all in, and I know you can do it too! 

Welcome to the new year of 2022.  

This year I'm leaning into one of my most FAVORITE feelings: curiousity.  When I'm curious I'm open to trying, I'm lighter, more playful, unattached and living in the fun land of experiments.  "I wonder what it would be like to try." 

One of the things I'm curious about is to see what would happen if you I shared one courageous belief every day. That would add of to 365 courageous beliefs in a year.  That's some big time belief, people! 

So, here's an insight into what I do.  I take a circumstance, and in this instance it's been my 2022 revenue goal (it's a big one for me!) and I ask myself what do I think about this goal.  Occassionally, it's not positive, high-belief thoughts.  It's more like "who tf do you think you are to dream that big?!" type of thinking.  And that's okay.  I face it, I get clear with myself about why the heck I live in the land of doubt and disbelief.  I also get really honest with myself about what sort of action (or in-action) I taken when I'm in the place.  Typically, the actions do NOT lend themselves to my goal.  

In doing all that I then ask myself, "does this serve me?" Typically the answer is no.  From there I go either two routes...  I ask myself "How do I want to feel about this goal?" and then once feeling is decided I asked myself "What thought do I need to have in order to create that feeling?"  OR I flip the questions.  I ask myself "What thought do I need to have in order to achieve this goal?" and then ask myself "How does this thought make me feel?"  From there, I then list out all the actions I can take to be in alignment with said thougths and feelings. 

Make sense? 

It's a process.  It takes time, but I know (and have lived) the payoff is huge! 

So, that, in a nutshell is how I arrive at the daily thoughts I share.  I pick a thought and carry that with me through the day.  I let that thought and feeling set the tone for how I live my life that day. 

Pretty cool right?! 

If you want to deep dive in how you want to practice this daily in your life, reach out.  This is a huge part of my coaching and how I help clients set and achieve their goals as well. 

Now, let's get to the good part... my first 7 courageous beliefs in 2022.  

Here they are: 

• This work changes lives in bigger ways  than I can & will ever know.
  
• This work works.
  
• When I do what I want, others benefit. 
  
• One conversation can release years of battles and wounds.
  
• It is so easy to be fun & interested in others.
  
• No's are just as important as the Yes's. 
  
• The windows and doors are open. 
  

​Of these seven thoguths shared:
-Which one would you love me to elaborate on most? 
-Which one are you going to stick in your back pocket to carry with you through life?