When “Fine” Is the Problem: Gray-Area Living, Belonging, and Owning Your Life

You know that moment on a Sunday afternoon…

The house is clean, windows cracked, sun pouring in.
You look around and think, “This feels good.”

And then your brain quietly whispers:

“You know what would make this even better? A glass of really cold white wine.”

That’s where this conversation started for me.
Not at rock bottom. Not in a rehab center.
In my clean, cozy, very “fine” life.

This blog is born out of a conversation with my sobriety mentor and friend, Jennie Jechter — a modern sobriety coach who helps women in the gray area of drinking. The women who don’t identify as alcoholics… but also don’t fully love the way alcohol is owning their time, energy, and choices.

Sound familiar?

When “Fine” Is Actually the Problem

Most of the women I work with don’t hate their lives.

They’re not living in chaos.
They’re not getting calls from HR.
Their kids are fed, their bills are paid, their LinkedIn looks great.

Their life is… fine.
Their job is… good.
Their drinking is… “not that bad.”

And that’s exactly the problem.

Because “fine” is the perfect hiding spot for misalignment:

• You’re comfortable enough to stay.

• You’re not miserable enough to change.

• You can always point to someone who has it “worse,” so your brain shuts down your desire for more.

This is true with work, and it’s true with alcohol.

Meet Your “Alcohol Brain” (aka Chad)

When I told Jenny about that sunny Sunday wine craving, she laughed and said:

“Oh, that’s Chad. Just the tip.”

Jenny uses this brilliant analogy: your “alcohol brain” has big Chad energy.

He whispers:

• “You know what would make this more fun?”

• “Just one drink.”

• “Just the tip. Just for a second. Just see how it feels.”

He’s not trying to ruin your life.

He’s trying to keep you comfortable and connected to what used to be normal.

And he shows up everywhere:

• At girls’ nights: “Everyone else is drinking, don’t be weird.”

• At networking events: “You’ll be more fun with a drink in your hand.”

• After a long day: “You earned this. It helps you turn off.”

When you don’t pause to question him, it can feel like:

“This is just who I am. This is just what we do.”

But what if it’s not?

“This Was Working… Until It Wasn’t.”

Jenny spent 14 years in the alcohol industry.
She wasn’t a stereotypical “rock bottom” story.

She was:

• Successful

• High-functioning

• Deeply woven into a culture where drinking was part of the job

Then she and her husband bought their “dream house.”
Bigger space. Pool. Park across the street.

And once the boxes were unpacked, she noticed something that changed everything:

“Oh. I still have depressive episodes.
The house didn’t fix it. I brought me with me.”

From there, she started exploring coaching, learned about overdrinking, and slowly realized her gray-area drinking was costing her more than hangovers.

It was costing her:

• Her mood baseline

• Her relationship to her body

• Her ability to see her life clearly

She eventually removed alcohol completely — after a 100+ day break where she still worked in the alcohol industry… and no one noticed she wasn’t drinking.

There was no dramatic bottom.
Just one honest realization after another:

“This was working… until it really, really wasn’t.”

Sobriety as an Identity Upgrade, Not a Punishment

Here’s where this goes deeper than “drink / don’t drink.”

When Jenny took alcohol out, she didn’t just change what she consumed.
She changed how she related to herself:

• She stopped outsourcing confidence and connection to a glass in her hand.

• She faced resentment and codependency in her relationship without blaming or numbing.

• She developed what she calls a “healthy ego” — clear preferences, strong boundaries, and zero desire to apologize for them.

She realized:

“Without alcohol blurring things, I can look at my flaws and my patterns without shame. I can own my choices and actually do something about them.”

That’s not just sobriety.
That’s identity reinvention.

Belonging vs. Becoming

One of the biggest reasons it’s so hard to change — whether it’s your drinking or your career — is belonging.

We’re afraid that if we change, we’ll lose:

• Our friend group

• Our partners

• Our “relatable” co-worker identity

• Our spot in the group chat that bonds by complaining about work and life

I see this with my clients all the time:

They tell me:

• “Everyone at work is miserable… I can’t relate anymore.”

• “My friends complain about everything over wine… I don’t want to live like that, but I don’t know how to be in the room and stay true to myself.”

So they tolerate:

• Drinking more than they want

• Wearing a “work version” of themselves that feels like a costume

• Staying in roles, rooms, and routines they’ve outgrown

Because it feels safer to belong to an old identity than to risk standing in a new one.

But here’s the truth:

At some point, your tolerance scales tip.
The cost of staying the same gets higher than the cost of changing.

How to Start Owning Your Relationship with Alcohol (Without Waiting for Rock Bottom)

You don’t need to label yourself.
You don’t need a dramatic story.
You just need honesty and curiosity.

Here’s where to start:

1. Tell yourself the truth about “fine.”

Journal prompts:

• “Where do I say ‘it’s fine’… but I feel resentful, checked out, or numb?”

• “What am I using alcohol to soften, blur, or avoid?”

• “If nothing changed for the next 5 years, how would that feel?”

No judgment. Just data.

2. Try a 90-day experiment.

Not a “detox.” Not a punishment. A real curiosity experiment.

Borrow Jenny’s half-marathon rule:

“If you can do 30 days, you can double your miles.
30 → 60 → 90.”

Most women never give themselves this kind of runway.
But it’s often what it takes to:

• Feel your actual emotions

• See your actual relationship dynamics

• Notice your actual desire

…without the haze.

3. Pay attention to who you have to be to belong.

Ask:

• “Where do I tone myself down to keep the peace?”

• “Where do I join the complaining, the overdrinking, the overworking… just so I’m not the weird one?”

• “Who would I be if I didn’t need to be ‘relatable’ in that old way?”

Let that version of you have a voice. She’s the one you’re becoming.

4. Redefine ‘boring’ as rich.

You might feel:

• Bored on a Friday night without wine

• Bored in a job you’re outgrowing but haven’t left

• Bored in the space between “old me” and “new me”

But boredom is often just the space where:

• Your nervous system finally exhale

• Your creativity wakes up

• Your intuition gets loud enough to hear

Boring is the doorway. Not the destination.

Want Support While You’re Redefining “Fine”?

If reading this feels like I’ve been spying on your inner monologue 🙃, you don’t have to untangle this alone.

If you’re in that place where:

• Your job is good but misaligned

• Your calendar reflects everyone else’s needs but yours

• Your relationship with alcohol (or work, or your phone) feels… off

Then you might be ready for the kind of identity-first reinvention we do inside The Reinvention Room.

It’s a 90-day group coaching experience where we:

• Question the rules you’ve been living by

• Rewrite them your way

• Walk you from the calendar you’re living in now…
  to the one you can’t even imagine yet, but deeply want

You don’t have to wait for rock bottom.
You just have to decide that “fine” is no longer the bar.

Left wanting more? Tune in HERE to my latest podcast episode where Jenny and I break this down even deeper.