What I've Learned In the Last Five Months

Today marks the longest time I have ever gone without seeing my dad.  I think that thought often, as the longest amount of time I ever went without seeing him was maybe two months.  Yesterday makes it five months and a day since he passed away.  

Life does not prepare one for this loss, and honestly if there was a manual available like "How To Prepare For Your Perfectly Healthy Dad's Unexpected Death" I certainly wouldn't be buying it.  I, like most people, live in the belief that things like that don't happen to me.  During the last five months, the one thing that life has taught is that we are completely out of control.  Sure, we can control what we eat, what we wear, the attitude we choose for that day, and many of the choice we make but when it comes right down to it we don't control when we go, and how.  
A loss like this recently happened to another unsuspecting family, only it was their son.  As I've been thinking about this family, I think back to "the week of Dad's stuff" (that's what I call the week of Dad's passing to his funeral).  While one cannot compare the loss of a dad to the loss of a son, I can relate to the feeling of a shocking, unexpected, "freak accident" type of loss.  

As I've been thinking about this, I realized one thing that helped me a lot was to know that I wasn't alone.  That someone else had gone through this sudden loss too, that someone else hurt as bad as we all did, but seems to be "doing fine" today.  I needed honesty from others who have been through this.  

Yesterday morning I just couldn't sleep anymore, couldn't stop thinking of this family.  So, I wrote them a letter.  I've been going back and forth of if its appropriate to share this letter or not.  Like am I making it about me and about my loss?  I was strongly debating on if I should share it with the family when I got a sign. I stumbled upon a video of a gal who just lost her sister.  In the video she talked about how sharing is healing, and sharing can help others through a tough loss.  So, I've decided to share my letter with the family... and I'm sharing a modified version of it with you too. 

The thought I keep going back to is "even if just one bullet point helps one person, then it was worth the send."  So, here are a few things that I have learned in the last five months: 

• It's okay to ask for help.  So many friends and family members care.  They want to check on you, but sometimes don't want to "bug" you.  Ask for help if you need it, they'll be there in the drop of a hat. 
• Your family and friends will amaze you... they LOVE you and it will show. 
• Lean into your faith.  Words, prayers and readings have a whole new meaning now. 
• Look up.  When I look up to the sky  I see Heaven.  Sunsets and sunrises make me cry sometimes... especially the breathtaking ones.  It makes me feel like maybe Heaven isn't so far away. 
• He's with you.  Maybe this is something "silly" we tell ourselves to help get through this, but I truly believe it.  He's with you and you'll have signs... some subtle, some huge.  In my experience, my dad loved eagles.  Since the day he passed, I have seen more eagles than I have in all my 29 years prior.  
• You'll stare out windows & stare at walls.  Sometimes just being in a daze is all you can physically, emotionally and mentally handle. 
• You want the world to stop.  YOUR world has stopped.... so how do you keep going? How do all the cars keep driving, people keep working, and lives continue going? Somehow you find a way. 
• You are stronger than you think.
• Everyone processes this differently. Their way way not be in a way like you, or maybe even in a way that frustrates you.  Remember, everyone has lost and is hurting. 
• You adjust.  I can't say you get better, but you adjust. 
• Those waves of sadness that are constant and huge... the ones that knock the wind of you... those eventually get less frequent and less severe.
• Laughing is okay.  Smiling is good.  I was so afraid to laugh, smile or have fun... afraid that it would mean I forgot him, or that it seemed like I don't care anymore.  He wants you to smile and be happy. 
• Honor him.  Everyday.  Maybe it's something you can physically see in your home that honors him or just how you live day to day.  Live in a way that makes him proud.
• Talk about him.  Share stories and happy memories. 
• The "firsts" are tough.  I'm not just talking about the first holidays and birthdays... I'm talking about all the other ones that you don't expect.  I'll never forget the first time leaving home without my dad there to help load up my car and say bye in the driveway.  I'll never forget the first time talking to my mom on the phone and feeling like I was getting socked in the stomach when I went to say my routine phone conversation line, "well, tell Dad hi." 
• Be with positivity.  Be with people who make you feel good, bring you closer to faith, and make you feel stronger.  If someone says something negative that brings you down, makes you feel worse, or questions your faith, just walk away or change the subject.  This is hard enough, don't be with people or read things that take you down an even tougher path.
• Think about him in Heaven and how amazing it is there.  When I think about us here on Earth and how we have to go on without him, I get sad.  But, when I remind myself of Heaven and how beautiful it must be I smile a little. 
• Don't rush yourself.  It's a process and it's tough. 

 

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