Lately, something has been on my mind that's been bothering me... it wasn't until today that the light bulb finally went off in my head and I figured out what the bother really was.
A few weeks ago I got together for dinner with one of my really good friends. We were just catching up and getting re-acquainted after not seeing each other for a month or two. Thankfully, we have the type of friendship where this just comes natural so it really didn't take long at all, and we can also be honest right away if something is bothering us. It's almost as if we have a sister-like relationship. It was while we were sitting there chatting and munching on some appetizers that something surprising happened. My friend called me skinny. The thing that was surprising to me wasn't so much that she called me skinny, as I know she intended for it to be a compliment. What caught me off guard was my own reaction to that comment and my inability to take it as a compliment. I just didn't know what to say... it felt odd to me, but I couldn't put my finger on why.
I reacted in a way that a bratty sister would, rather than a way that a friend being told a compliment would. I'm always one to preach "just say thank you" when you are told a compliment. In this moment I couldn't say thanks. I was "that girl" who was saying "Stop it. I am not skinny. You should see the junk I ate over the holidays." Eventually I was honest with her and said that being called skinny felt odd and made me a little uncomfortable. All in all, it was just a strange moment and we moved on to different topics in our conversation.
That night I came home and told my fiance about our conversation and pondered out loud why it just struck me as uncomfortable to be called skinny. I was just stuck on figuring out why I couldn't take the compliment. As confused as I was, my fiance was even more bewildered, saying "Boy, I'm glad I'm not a girl. I do NOT get it."
When he said that I laughed and thought to myself... "I know... I don't get it either."
It wasn't until today, weeks later, that I figured out why I couldn't say thanks, and why I felt odd. To be honest, it's because being skinny isn't the goal I have when I think about working out, eating healthy and being active. It isn't what I'm striving for, so when I was told that, it didn't feel complimentary. Above that, it is never my intent on this blog or in anything I share that I want to promote being skinny over feeling good.
I figured out it was a sudden sense of fear that I felt that made it impossible for me to graciously take something that was meant to be a compliment. It's not that I don't like to hear those things, but in a world where all we are are images of fit, thin people as the image to aspire for I became afraid that was the message I was putting out there myself. I was fearful that being called skinny made it seem as though that was what I valued when I encourage people to make exercise a consistent action, and to put healthy foods in their bodies.
Sure, it feels great to feel really good in the skin I'm in and to have clothes fit decently. But my hope is that the messaging I put out there goes deeper than that. Why can't compliments be more along the lines of "You look like you're feeling great"? Because isn't that what we are all really striving for anyway? To that I would confidently say "I am! Thank you!" in a heartbeat.
Early yesterday morning I was texting with a friend. We are both in an online course all about confidence that started earlier this week. We didn't talk about doing this together. In fact, four days in is when I found out that she too was in it.
As we were exchangning messages back and forth regarding the course content, she asked me a good question that I hadn't even asked myself yet. "What's been going on with you that made you want to take this course?"
My answer to her was: "I've just been wanting to take it..... I actually feel pretty confident in general, so it's almost more of a tool for me to talk to those who are dealing with low confidnce... "
We continued on with our conversation a bit, then I noticed the time and saw I better hop in the shower. As I was getting ready to shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I noticed things... "post-holiday" things, you might say. There I was staring at myself in the mirror, picking myself apart just after I had told my friend I was actually pretty confident.
What a line of bullshit I fed her, right?!
Well, as I thought it through more, I began to wonder. Am I really that confident? How can I tell her I am when I was just picking myself apart in the mirror? I mean, I definitely have insecurities. Things scare me. Certain settings scare me. Putting myself out there scares me. Hitting 'publish' on this blog post is going to scare me.
So, if I have these insecurities and was just critiquing myself in the mirror, can I really boldy say "I AM CONFIDENT"?
I was getting insecure that I wasn't as confident as I thought I was! Like, how can I tell someone I'm confident and then second guess myself from time to time? Is that really confidence??
It wasn't until later in the day that I read something that was a slap-in-the-face answer to my ponderings. Of course, this answer came in the form of an e-mail from Steph's confidence course.
"Being confident doesn’t mean you cease to have insecurities. If you're waiting for that to happen, you'll be waiting forever. Being confident means you stop letting your insecurities control you."
That was it! I could see the lightbulb go off in my head, and a sense of relief rush over me. Yes, I AM confident! How? Because I have insecurities, but rather than letting them control me in a negative way, I use them to push forward.
This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but I don't like being told what to do. Call it stubborn, call it Irish temper, call it matching my Taurus sign... but it's true. I prefer to do things on my own time, in my own way. So, to say that I'm going to let my insecurities tell me what to do would be absurd. The only person that is going to be the boss of me is ME!
If I let my insecurities control me I wouldn't feel as awesome as I do most days. I wouldn't be writing this blog post. I probably wouldn't have the job I have. I wouldn't do things that have been outside of my comfort zone like move halfway across the country, be a member of Toastmasters, teach spinning class, or start my Live Well With Kell coaching business.
If I let my insecurities control me, I would be hiding my gifts. That would be as unfair to you as it would be to me.
I have insecurities, but I am confident too.
Guest blog post from Chrissy Mendelson, fitness pro, travel enthuasit and life-maximizer.
It’s that time of year. You know what I am talking about, the time of year where we are forced to look back on the previous year judge what we did and didn’t do and then choose something to resolve for the next year. Oh and hopefully pop some champagne in between all that!
If you don’t mind that I do, I’d love to be the first to say... shit that’s an exhausting tradition! I don’t believe in creating resolutions. As a professional goal coach by day, I will say I LOVE goals but I have a different approach. For myself and all my clients on I find it unnecessary to focus on a resolution for we are perfect, unique humans and there is nothing wrong with any of us to resolve.
For 2017 instead of a resolution, I promote intention; getting real with yourself, your goals, and your action plan for the year ahead. I believe in being our own superheroes… You know the ones who jump into action to take care of us and save our own lives. Yes, that power lies in each one of you and today I want to share with you how to get real with yourself and your goals to create an action plan that will actually stick this time around.
Without further ado, here are your steps for creating intentional goals for 2017:
1) Make sure your goals are yours: haha right? Seems obvious, but a lot of people set goals they think they are suppose to or hear from someone else. I need to lose 20lbs, I am going to stop eating sugar, I am going to do better with money this year, etc. Now all these goals are great, but don’t commit yourself to a goal that doesn’t fit you! I am going to run a 5k in 2017 isn’t a great goal if you hate running.
2) Keep all goals Positive: Avoid the use of negativity while writing out your goals. Stress less… even though that seems like a positive goal focusing on the word stress already gives you a set up for drumming up the emotions that word brings to your mind. Instead try to take a more positive spin. My goal for 2017 is to have MORE experiences that fit with my authentic self- more fun, laughter, time with loved ones, and of course travels.
3) Promote your goal: You are the marketing director for your goal. So it’s your responsibility to make it known to yourself, the universe, or whoever you want to share it with. I advise my clients to write it down, so you can view it every day. Also Share it with someone; Maybe your trainer, coach, workout group, etc. The more you promote it, the MORE it’s on your mind to accomplish.
If you are looking for more ways to create intentional goals next year… find me at Travel Forward on facebook and look out for a free webinar on January 3rd about how to rock your resolutions! At Travel forward, we are a community of people who use our unique experiences in life to learn, grow, and elevate to the best versions of ourselves! We hope to see you around in 2017. #travelforward
Rooting for you,