I Have Insecurities

 Early yesterday morning I was texting with a friend.  We are both in an online course all about confidence that started earlier this week.  We didn't talk about doing this together.  In fact, four days in is when I found out that she too was in it.  

​As we were exchangning messages back and forth regarding the course content, she asked me a good question that I hadn't even asked myself yet.   "What's been going on with you that made you want to take this course?" 

My answer to her was: "I've just been wanting to take it..... I actually feel pretty confident in general, so it's almost more of a tool for me to talk to those who are dealing with low confidnce... "

We continued on with our conversation a bit, then I noticed the time and saw I better hop in the shower.  As I was getting ready to shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I noticed things... "post-holiday" things, you might say.  There I was staring at myself in the mirror, picking myself apart just after I had told my friend I was actually pretty confident.  

What a line of bullshit I fed her, right?! 

Well, as I thought it through more, I began to wonder.  Am I really that confident?  How can I tell her I am when I was just picking myself apart in the mirror? I mean, I definitely have insecurities.  Things scare me.  Certain settings scare me.  Putting myself out there scares me.  Hitting 'publish' on this blog post is going to scare me.  

So, if I have these insecurities and was just critiquing myself in the mirror, can I really boldy say "I AM CONFIDENT"? 

I was getting insecure that I wasn't as confident as I thought I was! Like, how can I tell someone I'm confident and then second guess myself from time to time? Is that really confidence?? 

It wasn't until later in the day that I read something that was a slap-in-the-face answer to my  ponderings.  Of course, this answer came in the form of an e-mail from  Steph's confidence course.

​"Being confident doesn’t mean you cease to have insecurities. If you're waiting for that to happen, you'll be waiting forever. Being confident means you stop letting your insecurities control you."

That was it!  I could see the lightbulb go off in my head, and a sense of relief rush over me.  Yes, I AM confident!  How? Because I have insecurities, but rather than letting them control me in a negative way, I use them to push forward.    

This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but I don't like being told what to do.  Call it stubborn, call it Irish temper, call it matching my Taurus sign... but it's true.  I prefer to do things on my own time, in my own way.  So, to say that I'm going to let my insecurities tell me what to do would be absurd.   The only person that is going to be the boss of me is ME!  

If I let my insecurities control me I wouldn't feel as awesome as I do most days.  I wouldn't be writing this blog post.  I probably wouldn't have the job I have.  I wouldn't do things that have been outside of my comfort zone like move halfway across the country, be a member of Toastmasters, teach spinning class, or start my Live Well With Kell coaching business. 

If I let my insecurities control me, I would be hiding my gifts.  That would be as unfair to you as it would be to me. 

I have insecurities, but I am confident too.