THE ONE WHERE SHE HID DIET PILLS IN HER COLLEGE DORM ROOM DRESSER

Last week I shared with you the start of me coming painfully aware that I was bigger than most of my classmates. 

Fast forward to college. I had ridden quite the rollercoaster with my weight before getting there.  

I over-exercised and under-ate during my sophomore and junior years of high school.  I literally punished by body everyday by running 5 miles in track practice (that I secretly only joined just for the sole purpose to lose weight), I hardly ate a bite of dinner when I got home, and very rarely ate lunch at school because I didn’t want an upset stomach ache (i.e. the poops) in practice.  I had it figured out… bagel for breakfast + some eggs, no lunch, run run run and then barely any dinner.  

The weight dropped quickly.  

I felt skinny.  Like, really skinny.  I won’t lie that it felt good.  I loved the comments and “compliments.” 

If only they knew my obsession with the scale.  If only they knew what I was putting my body through. And… in hindsight… if only I knew what the heck I was putting my body through. 

Fast forward to health class when we were talking about cancers of the reproductive organs.  One of the symptoms was extended periods of time of having no period.  Woah.  The lightbulb went off for me… I hadn’t had a cycle in about a year.  

Insert freaking out thoughts.  “Omg I have cancer.  Omg I’m going to die.  What am I doing?”  (I thank Mr. S’s textbook curriculum for waking me up.)  

This introduced another day of me going home crying to my mom, this time telling her that we need to go to the doctor.  I didn’t tell her the whole story this time.  I didn’t clue her in to all the ways I was starving my body… I just told her I was scared. 

So… that day I changed.  I started eating more. But it wasn't just that simple… that one day didn’t create the new version of me that lived happily ever after.  

Instead, it started something new.  Here I was eating more and I was GAINING WEIGHT FAST.  Between my junior and senior year of high school I gained 40 lbs.  I went from the skinniest version of me to the heaviest version of me.  I was embarrassed, ashamed and felt like I was in 2nd grade all over again.  

I couldn’t control myself and I was so so ashamed.  I was in hiding.  I would wait until my parents went to bed to make the biggest, yummiest, best bowl of ice cream right before bed.  Oooh it was SO GOOD.  Then, I’d feel terrible about myself.  But that didn’t stop the binge eating choices.  Sure I had it “under control” when I was with people.  But put me alone in a room with cookies or chips + top the tater and I went to town.  Salty or sweet… I wasn't picky.  I loved it all. 

I remember the first time I threw up after eating.  Honestly, my stomach couldn’t handle what I put into it.  It was way too much.  So, I made myself throw up.  I felt better… but still pretty terrible.   This continued on and on.  I never labeled myself as bulimic because it wasn’t all the time, and I didn’t lose weight doing it.  I also never labeled myself anorexic during the time when I barely ate a thing… because, again… I had my own exceptions to these definitions. 

Fast forward to college and it started to get a little better.  I had no interest in puking in a public dorm restroom so that ruled that out, and I knew that NOT eating wasn’t an option anymore… so that was also ruled out.   But, I just couldn’t get the weight off.  I was getting better at making healthy food choices, I was getting better at working out consistently in a way that felt good… but still… no changes.  

So, I bought Hydroxycut.  Anyone remember those commercials?   I hid them in my dresser drawer in my dorm room.  I took them most days for a few weeks… but again… nothing was changing.  I was stuck.  In buying those pills (which I threw away the majority of) I knew there wasn’t anything “out there” that was going to help me.  If I wanted to change I knew I needed to 1) do it “the hard way” and not rely on quick fixes anymore, 2) be cool with who I was right now, as is.  

The mess I was in high school and college still to this day makes me feel sad.  Not just for me, but for all the other girls who were in the same secret shoes as me. 

Today, I feel good.  Today, as a mother of two I have put in the mental work to make the physical work results neutral… whether I’m my leanest or my largest I’m more accepting of ME than I have ever been.  I'm glad I was forced to put in the work as it has helped me connect with so many other women who have also felt alone, ashamed and unhealthily obsessed.  I'm glad that it has helped me find a way out for good. 

You CAN stop the battle against yourself.  Giving your body the love it deserves is like what you’re NOT.  The process of doing that may feel extremely uncomfortable... but trust me when I say it is so worth it.   Trust me when I say I can help you navigate the discomfort of battling your body once and for all.

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​Journal questions: 

1. What are thoughts you've experienced about your body? 
   
2. What do you need to let go of in order to fully accept the body you're in today? 
3. What is one thing you would tell your little girl self navigating a struggle or obstacle? 
   

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I'm here to help.  What is a mess you're hiding from? What is something you so badly want to be doing with your time, but feel pulled to be doing all the other things?  Let's talk.  Set up a free breakthrough session with me so we can help you start living fully alive once and for all!